Wife and Mommy

Happy Star Wars Day!

You know. Today is May 4.  May the fourth.  May the force be with you!

Okay, corny, I know.  Normally I am not a fan of puns…but I am a Star Wars fan.  Chalk it up to being a child of the 70s…and because Mark Hamill was once a student at the local intermediate and high schools I was to attend.  I remember when The Empire Strikes Back was released in 1980.  My folks dropped my cousins, sister, and me off at the local mall two hours before it opened.  We sat outside the movie theatre in a long line, waiting to buy tickets.  Suffice to say that the all the episodes in the movie series had me giddy with excitement at each release.

George Lucas original draft read, ““A long, long time ago, in the not-too-distant future…”

Then I married The Husband, who is a huge sci-fi geek.  His knowledge of Star Wars trivia astounds me, and we now own all of the movies.  It’s not uncommon for me to find The Husband working in front of the television with one of the Star Wars movies on for background noise.  More often than not, I’ll sit down to watch with him.

The same linguist who invented the Klingon language for “Star Trek” invented the languages spoken in the Cantina scene in Episode 4.

We always have a good time quoting well-known lines when the situation merits…and even when it doesn’t call for it!  A well-placed Yoda, “Hmmmm?” speaks volumes in this house!

Leia:  “Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder!”
Han Solo:  “Who’s scruffy-looking?”

Yoda:  “Do or do not.  There is no ‘try.’”

Elan:  “Do you wanna buy some death sticks?”
Obi-Wan:  “You don’t want to sell me death sticks.”
Elan:  “I don’t want to sell you death sticks.”
Obi-Wan:  “You want to go home and rethink your life.”
Obi-Wan:  “I want to go home and rethink my life.”

And of course…
Darth Vader:  “Luke…I am your father.”

Our kids haven’t yet been introduced to the wonder of The Force, but it will happen soon.  I wonder if they will be as enamored with the story of good versus evil as much as we are?  They have to be…they are our children after all!  And furthermore, one of our kids shares a name as one of the major characters from the film series…but we swear we didn’t choose the name because of the movies!

As much as we love Star Wars, we are quick to criticize what didn’t work as well.  Hello, Ewoks?  Clone Wars?  Jar Jar Binks?!!

Samuel L. Jackson asked that his character, Mace Windu, carry a purple light sabre. George Lucas granted his request.

Last Halloween, I convinced The Husband to dress up as Darth Vader.  I wanted to dress the kids as Luke, Chewbacca and Han Solo, or maybe as Yoda, R2-D2and C-3PO.  I never got that far in the planning.  Maybe this year we’ll do it.

I get to be Leia.

Original DC Metro Moms post.
Michelle doesn’t usually show her geeky, Star Wars-loving side at her blog Wife and Mommy.

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Just the right size originally published April 22, 2009, on DC Metro Moms.

Do you tell your child he/she is brilliant?  Beautiful or wonderful or splendid or <<insert accolade here>>?

I don’t say these things to my kids a whole lot.  It’s not that I think they aren’t…because of course they are gorgeous and smart and witty and incredible.  That’s just the honest truth.  The end.

Seriously.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently.  Humility is an attribute I value greatly in people and is something I want to foster in my three kids…especially since it seems my children are told often they are <<<pick a compliment>>> by relatives, their teachers, acquaintances, and complete strangers.  I’m so glad to see others recognize these absolute truths about my amazing kids.  Still, I’d be disappointed if my children grew big heads even if what they are being told is spot on.

Arrogance is a real turn-off to me, so I am careful to give praise only if it’s genuinely merited.  I don’t have a problem telling my kid that a craft they’ve done is awesome when it is, in fact, awesome.  When they bring home a piece of crap, or work that I suspect was done mostly by the teacher, I don’t say much.

So will my kids feel inadequate because I don’t give out praise and compliments excessively?  I certainly hope not.  Nor do I want be like my own parents who used to ask what happened to the other 2 points when I would come home with a test score of 98%.  I just don’t want to be the bad guy trying to balance my kids before they become too big for their britches.

I hope instead my kids will understand the value of truthful compliments and that not everything they do is worthy of praise.  I hope to teach them that super accomplishments don’t necessarily grant them automatic entry into theJustice League. And I hope they will always know that I think they are Truly Amazing.

Finding the middle road of raising kids that have just the right size ego is proving difficult.  I hope I figure it out before their heads burst…or before they end up feeling totally worthless.

Tags: DC Metro Moms

Insurance, Guarantees, and Promises originally published March 24, 2009, on DC Metro Moms.

I was at a first birthday celebration for my friend’s baby a couple of weeks back.  It was a fun, casual atmosphere with children running around the house.  The parents congregated in the kitchen to nibble and chat.  Conversation wandered from schools, jobs and parenting issues to cheeses, kumquats and Bernie Madoff.

A Gene Weingarten piece, published in The Washington Post Magazine in early March, was mentioned.  **Let me just say here that I am not going to comment on the article itself.  If you want to read it, it’s linked here.  Just know that it is very difficult to read.**  The article, “Fatal Distraction,” focused on the aftermath of parents who lost a child after forgetting them in a hot car.  All the parents at the party had either read the article or knew of it.  Some expressed that they weren’t able to look at it because of the subject matter.

“I can’t even imagine.”
“I don’t want to think about it.”
“It’s too painful for me to consider.”

Since becoming a mother myself, I also have a tough time seeing articles that report the details of children suffering.  It hits too close to home to imagine, think about or consider since I have three beautiful babies of my own.

In the case of the Weingarten piece, I made myself read every single word despite the brutal imagery and its effect on me.  I cringed, whimpered out loud and wept a river of tears.  I had to put it down several times.  The Husband asked me to cease reading and threatened to hide the magazine.  But I was determined to finish.

Why?  For the past two weeks, I’ve been mulling over exactly what compelled me to finish the piece, despite details that will never be erased from my memory.  I read it for the children and parents in the article; for each youngster who perished, and for each parent whose torment and anguish will be their own personal hell for the rest of his/her life.  I read it to memorialize the children.  I read it to see if I identified with the parents, and I absolutely did.  They are in my thoughts and prayers as I realize there but for the grace of God go I.

As the two weeks have passed, I still cannot put it out of my mind.  I am slowly beginning to recognize the deeper reason why I made myself finish the article.  I did it for myself.  I realize I was hoping that somehow I would have an assurance that I’ll never forget my own baby in a hot car if I read it through.  I would like to think that it is something I wouldn’t do anyway…but after finishing the article, I acknowledge it could happen to anyone.  Selfishly, I hope reading every painful word and feeling the emotions as closely as possible without it being reality in my own life will somehow give me a pass.  I want a little guarantee—insurance, if you will—that it won’t ever happen to me.  How I wish I could have a full promise.

Original DC Metro Moms post.

Michelle blogs at Wife and Mommy.

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Note:  This post is re-posted here with permission from Silicon Valley Moms Group upon the announcement of their dissolution.

Tags: DC Metro Moms

Changing the bell schedule originally published on February 26, 2009, on DC Metro Moms.

I am a proud product of Fairfax County Public Schools–from kindergarten to high school graduation!  So I am delighted that my firstborn child, Bito, will be starting full day kindergarten at a FCPS school in September.  I am also nervous as I look at the juggling the schedules of my three kids and husband.  The planner in me is trying to do all I can to prepare our whole family for the upcoming school year.

Tags: DC Metro Moms

Free Advice originally published February 7, 2009, on DC Metro Moms.

When I was pregnant with Bito, I soaked up as much information about pregnancy as possible (hello BabyCenter!).  I was also inundated with free advice given to me by anyone and everyone.  Some of it was helpful, other information made me take pause and wonder if I’d misheard.

“Eat oranges to stave off that nausea!”
“Use olive oil on your tummy to avoid stretch marks.”
“Get the epidural as soon as you get to the hospital.”

At first I was appreciative of the suggestions; after all, I’d never experienced pregnancy, labor, delivery and having a newborn.  Then I began to realize some of the counsel I was being given was in direct opposition to other advice I’d received.  I wasn’t able to sort all this new knowledge.  I was getting too much too quickly.  I was overloaded with all the unsolicited advice, no matter how well intentioned it was and it was stressing me out!

The free advice continued after Bito was born.

“Don’t hold him all the time or you’ll spoil him.”
“Just let him cry, it won’t hurt him and you can’t always be there for him!”
“He’s going to get too hot (or too cold).”
“Sleep when the baby sleeps.”
“Don’t sleep with him in your bed since he has to get used to sleeping on his own.”
“He shouldn’t be nursing longer than five minutes on each side.”
“You should probably stop breastfeeding soon so he’ll learn to take a bottle easily.”
“Put rice cereal in his bottle so he’ll sleep longer.”
“Aren’t you afraid he can’t breathe when he’s in that sling?”
“A little bit of rum or whiskey on the baby’s gums will help with their teething pain.”

Once I emerged from the newborn haze and started getting the hang of mothering my son, I was able to tune out the voices offering suggestions.  And I made a decision.  I vowed I would not become A Giver of Unsolicited Advice.  I know suggestions are usually made with helpful intentions.  However, I wonder why we stress out a hormonal woman who has just experienced a life-changing event with all our nuggets of wisdom?

One friend, an experienced mother of three, simply told me she would be happy to share any advice with me, but wouldn’t contribute to the overload.  She said she knew I must be receiving lots of guidance, and didn’t want to pile on to what I might have already heard.  But she made it clear that she would answer any questions, share her experiences and give opinions if I wanted it.  I appreciated that a lot.

So now I vow to take the same approach. It’s easier said than done—sometimes I want to blurt out a helpful tip even if I’m not asked!  Then I remember all the ways when I was overwhelmed with the advice.  It reminds me to save it for when it is requested and truly wanted.

Original DC Metro Moms post.
Michelle might hold her tongue in real life, but can be found spewing unsolicited advice at her blog Wife and Mommy.

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Note:  This post is re-posted here with permission from Silicon Valley Moms Group upon the announcement of their dissolution.

Tags: DC Metro Moms

Three or more originally published December 28, 2008, on DC Metro Moms.

I am surprised by how often I get stopped and asked, “What’s it like having three?”  My first inclination is to think that they are asking because my kids are being rambunctious and loud and I am being judged for having out-of-control children.  Rather, it’s usually because the asker has two kids and is on the fence as to whether or not to make the jump to three.

In a nutshell, it goes like this:  making the transition from two to three was way easier than going from one to two.  At least in my experience…and many other friends who have three or more kids!

When our first was born, The Husband and I had time to gaze upon BabyBito in wonder.  You know how it goes with your firstborn—every little sigh was noteworthy.  The Husband and I tag teamed and co-parented.  There were two of us and only one baby.

Then BabyCupcake was born.  The Period of Struggles followed soon thereafter.  I always had at least one child demanding my attention, but more often than not, it was both of them at the same exact time.  Being pulled in two directions and trying to figure out the mothering-more-than-one kid at a time was so very hard on me.  I was striving to be a good mommy to ToddlerBito and newborn BabyCupcake, while not leting mommy-guilt eat away at me.

Once BabyCupcake was about a year old, life started evening out.  I was getting better at the juggling act and was gaining a sense of normalcy.  Just after Cupcake turned 16 months old, I started feeling nauseous.  Sure enough—another bun in the oven!  I had many moments of despair, wondering what we were getting ourselves into since The Period of Struggles was still fresh in my memory.  I wasn’t sure how we’d get through it again.  Plus, I was being warned that going from man-to-man defense to zone-defense always left one child open.  We the parents would be outnumbered!

What a pleasant surprise to barely have a blip on the radar once BabyMuffin was born.  Cupcake and Bito were so busy forging their sibling relationship that they didn’t need my attention very often.  I had to break up the occasional fight, but all in all, they occupied each other.  This left me more time for BabyMuffin than I had had for Cupcake when she was a baby!

Now that BabyMuffin is a year old and I realize having three wasn’t as difficult as I thought, I’m ready to add a fourth.  What’s one more?

Original DC Metro Moms post.  Michelle blogs about life with three over atWife and Mommy.
This post dedicated to her friend who is currently gestating a third baby—may it be as easy for you!

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Note:  This post is re-posted here with permission from Silicon Valley Moms Group upon the announcement of their dissolution.

Tags: DC Metro Moms

Preschool lessons originally published November 28, 2008, on DC Metro Moms.

I admit it:  I went out this morning for Black Friday.  I only went to one store to get just one item.  One of the big box stores had a great deal on a gadget I’ve been eyeing, so I left The Husband and kids snoozing peacefully in their beds earlier than should be legal.  I got to the store at 4:45 AM, plenty of time to make it for their 5 AM opening.  So I thought.

I was shocked by the numbers of people who were lined up outside the store.  I mean, I didn’t expect to be able to saunter up to the door easily.  But the crowd!  The line stretched across the fronts of three other stores in the strip mall where it is located.  Thankfully, people were behaving properly and not cutting the line.  Maybe it was because it was too cold for anyone to become that squirrely.  Maybe it was because of the turkey-induced stupor that we were still under.  Maybe it was because of the three news vans and heavy police presence outside the store.

Once the doors opened and the immense crowd began moving into the store, the story changed a bit.  There was a lot of shoving and pushing as anxious shoppers tried to reach the departments that had their desired merchandise.  I made it to the electronics department to be met with a crush of people trying to find the correct queues for their items.  I eventually flagged down an associate and asked if I was in the correct line.  He went up to the front of the line to check, and returned to say that I was indeed in the right place.  He then mentioned that he didn’t know if I’d be able to get the item since there were many people cutting the line near the register.  The associate said that he tried to stop them, but they’d forged ahead anyway.

I was incensed.  Here I was, following the correct protocol and yet others were taking advantage of littler people at the front of the line.  I observed two men got into a heated exchange over who was there first.  Exasperated, one of the men finally asked, “Is it really worth $50 for you to butt in line?  I mean, look at all these other people.  Is $50 worth it for you to bully them all?”

Apparently it was, since that guy remained where he was and got his merchandise before us all.  Soon the associates who had been corralling the crowds outside moved indoors and stationed themselves around the electronics department.  Line cutting stopped.  I was able to get my gadget after many many (many!) minutes of waiting.

Get in line.  Wait your turn.  Be courteous and kind.  Isn’t this what my kids are currently learning in preschool?

This is an original post to DC Metro Moms Blog….

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Note:  This post is re-posted here with permission from Silicon Valley Moms Group upon the announcement of their dissolution.

Tags: DC Metro Moms

Introducing Diversity originally published November 21, 2008, on DC Metro Moms.

When we first got married, my white-bread Husband had some difficulty acclimating to mykimchi family.  Or as he likes to say, my kimchi family had difficulty acclimating to him.  As we are raising our bi-racial children (they’ve also been called mixed), it’s a priority for us to teach them about their two cultures.  I want them to be aware of their identities and be comfortable with them, as well as to be at ease with other diverse people.

I feel fortunate to be raising my children in the DC metro area.  I love that this area offers so many different cultures, races, sexual orientations, religions, socioeconomic levels, etc.  My hope is to raise my kids to embrace people of all kinds and I am committed to introducing diversity to my children.  The DC area gives plenty of opportunities for this to happen.

DC is a colorful area, but the same cannot be said for many of my friends.  My closest friends started out as acquaintances at the church we still attend.  Let’s just say my church is rather homogeneous, starting with the obvious that we are all the same religion.  Even past that, most of us fill in the same boxes on survey forms—race, household income, political affiliation, etc.  The Husband and I poke fun by whispering to each other, “I see white people!” when we see little-to-no people of color attending our church.  My children and I are some of the only non-white people who attend the church and although I am not self-conscious about it, I don’t want my kids to be either.

The question of how one intentionally makes a diverse group of friends in a genuine manner perplexes me.  I mean, I don’t want to be targeting a group of people just for the sake of having a friend from that group.  It’s not cool to say, “I want to find an African American friend.  Found one, check.  Now it’s time for a homosexual friend.  Check!”  So on and so forth.  It seems it’s tough to have it happen naturally and sincerely.

I need to let my desire for more diversity in my life work itself out.  It’s there.  I  have a diverse group of friends and so do my children.  I need to remember that.  Strangely, in talking this over with my token Jewish friend, she commented that she finds it amusing that I’m worried about introducing diversity to my kids.   “Your family is pretty much the embodiment of diversity!” she said.  Huh.  Yeah, I guess she’s right.  I honestly hadn’t considered that the diversity here in my own family—immediate and extended—is something equally important.  My kids will benefit from the differences that our family has to offer as well.

Original DC Metro Moms post.  Michelle blogs about her diverse family and other interesting stuff at Wife and Mommy.

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Note:  This post is re-posted here with permission from Silicon Valley Moms Group upon the announcement of their dissolution.

Tags: DC Metro Moms