Not for me!  I graduated from college without a special guy in my life.  And so I entered the working world as a single gal, wondering if, how, and when I’d meet Mr. Right.

(The funny thing is, I met him pretty soon after I finished college.  I just didn’t know it at the time…nor was I ready for him then!)

I laugh as I think back on my seven years of single gal life, when I worried about becoming an old maid.  I can honestly say now that I enjoyed my time as an unmarried professional woman–my life was mine, as was my money, my time, my sleep, my food…However, I spent many of those seven years wondering if I would ever meet the right guy and live happily ever after.

Life is full of what ifs and woulda-coulda-shouldas.  I can look back on my single gal fretting and smile because I know it turned out well.  I find it hard to imagine my life without The Husband and am so glad we are spending our lives together.

Still, sometimes I wonder what life would look like today had my life followed the get-married-right-out-of-college plan I had laid out.  I would’ve married at age 23, or even younger.

Would I be as happy as I am today?

~~~~~~~~~~

This post is written in response to I Am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced, the SVMoms Blog Book Club selection for May.  I was given a free copy of this book to read and discuss on my blog.  Read more responses to the book here at DC Metro Moms!

Edelman’s daughter, Maya, gains a new friend–an imaginary one–by the name of Dodo.  We are well-versed in imaginary friends in this house, as Cupcake currently has twenty-two “imagination friends.”  These friends are all nameless girls who are about the size of her thumb. Sometimes they ride with us in the minivan.  Or they might be on vacation at the beach.  They could be waiting for her at preschool, sleeping on the sofa, or at home with their mothers.  Other times, Cupcake doesn’t know where they are, but it’s okay since she knows they’ll be back.

Maya’s friend Dodo, however, is a different sort of imaginary friend.  His disturbing hold on Maya alarms Edelman and her husband.  Maya develops negative behaviors (hitting, tantrums, refusal to do things) that she blames on Dodo.  All the usual parenting tactics do not resolve these problems.  Edelman and her husband eventually resort to seeking out Mayan healers while they are traveling in Belize. The healers attempt to rid Maya of Dodo using ancient rituals.

I admit when I started reading this book, I rolled my eyes more than a few times.  I just couldn’t see how an imaginary friend who incited some bad behaviors in a little girl would lead otherwise stable, normal parents to take their beloved child to strange shamans in a different country.  Especially to shamans who had rituals that weren’t even understood by those parents.  It was a little too outside the box for me–as it was at first for Edelman.  But then the journey caused Edelman to open up to a whole different world of beliefs.

Me, however…well.  I put this book down several times and could not get into it.  Until last week, when my son Bito (age 6) fell ill.  He awoke one night drenched in sweat and with chills that left him shivering.  The Husband and I treated the symptoms, keeping Bito comfortable, hydrated and on an ibuprofen and Tylenol regimen.  Bito refused to eat anything, and just wanted to rest a lot (so unlike him), mostly with me snuggled up close to him.

It was during this time, immobilized on the sofa next to pitiful Bito, that I picked up The Possibility of Everything and finally dove in.  And this time it clicked.  As I looked at my feverish first-born, I realized if it were my child–my Bito or Cupcake or BabyMuffin–who was ill (spiritually or physically), I would go to great lengths to have him or her healed.  No matter if it were a far-fetched plan, was weird, sounded crazy, and caused other people to look down at me.  Of course I would.

This was reinforced the other night  when The Husband and I were watching Lost (yes, we’re Losties).  In one scene, Dogen tells Sayid about his previous life in Japan, and his son.  Dogen endangered his son’s life when they got into a car accident because he (Dogen) was drunk.  In order to save his son’s life, Dogen strikes a deal with Jacob to go to the Island and never see his boy again.

Spontaneously, I turned to The Husband and asked, “Would you do it?”  His response was immediate: “Yeah, I would.  Would you?”

What wouldn’t I do?

This post is written in response to The Possibility of Everything, the SVMoms Blog Book Club selection for March.  Members were given the book to read and discuss on our blogs.  Read more responses to the book at Silicon Valley Moms Blog.

So it was with great interest that I read Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky by Chris Greenhalgh for Silicon Valley Moms Blog book club.  Both artists design beautiful masterpieces–Stravinsky composes music such as Rite of Spring, while Chanel creates designer couture and perfume.  The book is also a fictionalized account of the short love affair between Chanel and Stravinsky.  I had no clue that they were even alive in the same era, much less involved with one another!

The book left me wondering what causes a person to realize their talents and become a great creator of art, fashion, or music?  And further, how is that greatness revealed to the world?  The Husband and I have discussed how a variable in any one person’s success is often Other People:  Other People who mentor and encourage the talents they see in others.  Other People who go out on a limb for someone.  Other People who put out time, energy and money for a starving artist.  Other People who manage PR of an artist who would otherwise go unnoticed.   The variable of Other People is not easily controlled nor predicted.  So for every one discovered artist, there may be 20 others who didn’t meet the right Other People to become famous.

Anyway, back to me and my lack of talent since it’s all about me, right?  About the only thing in which I’ve had success is gestating and birthing children (whether or not I’m raising them successfully remains to be seen!).  Many friends who have struggled with infertility tell me I am lucky it’s been so easy for me, and watching their heartbreaking attempts confirms this for me.  So recently, I’ve recruited some Other People who can guide me to helping others have children.  That is, I am looking into becoming a gestational carrier for another couple who is unable to carry their own baby.  I don’t know yet where this journey will take me, if anywhere.  It’s not a moving score of music, or a design of clothing that could change the trends of fashion…but it is something that I can potentially do to help create beauty for one other couple.

This post is written in response to Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky by Chris Greenhalgh, the SVMom’s Blog Book Club selection for January.  Members were given the book to read and discuss on our blogs.  Read more responses to the book at Silicon Valley Moms Blog (this month’s book club host)..

I’m over at DC Metro Moms, talking about our snow-pocalypse day.

Check it out!

Now imagine all of those people spending a week together.  In a house.  Forced togetherness.

Yes, you read that right.  For a WHOLE WEEK.

Did you just shudder?  The thought of spending a whole week with my family makes me cringe.  Oh, I like everyone just fine…in small numbers and in controlled, small amounts of time.  But if we were made to be together for an entire week?  Um…just have me committed afterwards.

This Is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper, is a story of Judd Foxman, his brothers Paul and Phillip, and sister Wendy.  The Foxman siblings are asked to sit shiva in their family home after the death of their father.  Their mother is present, as are Paul’s wife, and Wendy’s husband and three children.  Phillip brings along his life coach/fiancee Tracy.  The next door neighbor, Linda, is around as well.  Oh, and Judd’s soon-to-be-ex-wife (who cheated on Judd with his boss), shows up to announce that the baby she is carrying is indeed Judd’s, not the other guy’s.

There’s more to the story than that, but just think of all the tensions, irritations, secrets and skeletons that would surface with all that Together Time.  Stories told.  Histories rehashed.  Secrets revealed.  Families are great…but too much family in such an environment can be downright toxic.

So going back to the skin-crawling hypothetical of spending an entire week with MY family…well.  I’d be finding ways to escape, even if it’s just to a trance-like state and monosyllabic grunts in response to anyone and everyone.  And since my mom thinks alcohol is evil and we generally don’t drink around her, I’m sure there’d be a lot of sneaking off to the bathroom for surreptitious shots.  Either that or we’d all imbibe openly in front of her…however, not sure any buzz is worth mom’s wrath because she would never forget and never let us forget.  The Husband and my father would have to find new, inventive ways to ignore one another while pretending to communicate normally.  My children would see me from the eyes of my parents and sister.  Secrets my sister and I have kept would be in danger of being blown.  My life would be judged quietly and loudly, re-told and shared in ways I wouldn’t choose to do myself.  All in the name of love and family.

I am sure there would be wonderful moments emerging from the periods of uncomfortable squirming.  New memories would be made.  Laughter would ring like music.  There would most certainly be Korean soul food to nosh on.  Awesome time would be shared with the people I love most in this world, people who have known me my entire life, people who know me most intimately now in my life.  That would be precious time that could not be replicated in our usual hurried time together.

I’m just not sure I’m willing to go through the uncomfortable stuff to reach those moments of wonderful.  I guess that’s why it would have to be a week of forced togetherness.

I must stop thinking about this hypothetical situation before I hyperventilate.

…

This post is written in response to Jonathan Tropper’s This Is Where I Leave You, the SVMom’s Blog Book Club selection for October.  Members were given the book to read and discuss on our blogs.  Read more responses to the book at NYC Moms blog (this month’s book club host)..

I do not plan to give birth ever again.

Nonetheless, the book Birth Day:  A Pediatrician Explores the Science, the History, and the Wonder of Childbirth by Dr. Mark Sloan intrigued me.  Dr. Sloan weaves the history of modern birth with his experience of attending 3,000 births.  I couldn’t help but think of my own childbirth experiences as I read.  I marveled at the wonder of a new lives coming out of their mother’s bodies.  The geeky side of me absorbed the science of childbirth and information about epidurals, cesarean births, premature birth and possible complications that could occur.

Each time I was pregnant, I was amazed by how many women wanted to share their birth stories with me.  It seemed my round, protruding belly was an invitation for any and all mothers to launch into the stories of how their children entered the world.  Now that I have my own three darlings, I understand the desire to chronicle how my little miracles began their lives.  I don’t go so far as to encroach on expectant women with my tales, but I will gladly tell the account of how Bito, Cupcake, and BabyMuffin left my womb to become autonomous beings if I am asked.

Bito was born in a Japanese birthing center when The Husband and I were living overseas.  I had trouble understanding what was happening and it wasn’t necessarily a language barrier (the doctor spoke English pretty well).  My fear of the unknown—giving birth—overshadowed the joy of finally knowing I would see my son soon.  Epidurals are not common for Japanese women giving birth, but I told the doctor under no uncertain terms that he would give me an epidural.  He reluctantly agreed.  A needle was indeed placed in my back, and the doctor claimed he gave me “just a little bit,” to take the edge off.  Ha, whatever.  I still felt every single contraction of pain and didn’t get the pleasant numbing that I expected and wanted.  All 9+ pounds of Bito was born after a long arduous labor that I spent tense, afraid, and stressed.

I figured since I’d essentially done it med-free the first time, I didn’t plan to have any medication the second time around.  However, Cupcake gave me back labor, which is an excruciating torture I wouldn’t wish upon anyone!  By the time I finally consented to an epidural, it took the anesthesiologist quite awhile to get to me since there were many women laboring that night.  After sticking me four times, the needle finally got placed.  I swung my legs up onto the bed and immediately exclaimed, “I have to push!”  Five pushes later, BabyCupcake was born.  The obstetrician and L&D nurse in the room joked that I’d gotten some good drugs for the stitching since the epidural didn’t take effect until after Cupcake flew into the world (also 9+ pounds)!

I was bound and determined to not have a needle placed in my back for BabyMuffin’s birth.  I’m not sure why it was so important to me then, other than to be able to say that I’d finally, really, truly done it med-free after three tries.  Now, 20 months later, it doesn’t matter.   I spent most of BabyMuffin’s labor floating in a tub of warm water, which is what I will do again if for some reason I ever give birth again (but next time, it will be at home!).

I know that I am lucky to have had three uncomplicated births in which I didn’t need constant monitoring or a cesarean section.  I am glad I was able to decide much of how labor and delivery went.  I am glad, most of all, that I had three big healthy babies born without any need for additional interventions or NICU stays.

Now whenever a friend is expecting a baby, or I see a pregnant woman, I hope for the same type of straightforward birth for them.

Kind of like the way gorillas give birth.

• The moment I looked at the-boyfriend-who-would-become-The-Husband and knew he is the man I’ll spend the rest of my life with…
• The moment I saw two pink lines on that home pregnancy test…
• The moment I was hired for a job overseas…
• The moment I saw my newborn babies…three different times…

Testimony, a novel by Anita Shreve, tells a story of how one incident changes the course of many people’s lives in a ripple effect.   The four students who were involved in the actual incident, as well as their parents, the teachers, the school’s headmaster, the townspeople and others.  One incident…one moment.

I don’t know that there is one moment in which my life’s path was dramatically altered off the course it was already taking.  Becoming a wife and a mother is something I’d hoped for and planned for since I was young.    Living overseas was an adventure that I hadn’t dreamed of, but was a blip on the road of life that I am glad I experienced.  Even the sad incident of being raped didn’t alter my life, although it altered me and my outlook on people.  Is that the same thing?

I admit:  I don’t want to have a moment in which everything changes.  I like things the way they are right now, thankyouverymuch.  I fear that anything that might change it would be a bad change.  Blame the pessimist in me.  Sure, I suppose we could win the Powerball (if we actually played) and that might be a good change to our lives…but there are also plenty of stories of lottery winners who are now broke.

I’m happy with the status quo of my life.  I hope not to have a testimony of when my life was forever changed.

“To you, embarrassment is the extreme dismay that arises when something you’ve so desperately hoped to conceal is revealed–and not by your own choosing.”

Much to Your Chagrin:  A Memoir of Embarrassment by Suzanne Guillette

The other day, I was telling my friend a funny story about something Cupcake had done.  I happened to glance over at my daughter, whom I thought was playing and not paying attention.  I was surprised to see her watching us, with a shy and slightly mortified look on her face..

I immediately ceased laughing and turned the conversation to another topic.  I felt bad that I’d caused her embarrassment…but I was also amazed that a person so young could feel and express embarrassment!

In talking to The Husband about it, I’ve decided I will try very hard not to embarrass my daughter if possible.  At least not at this tender young age.  One of the things I love most about Cupcake is her sparkling vivaciousness–how she goes out and lives life fully without thinking about how she looks or how others perceive her.  I’m jealous of this quality since I worry about what others think of me more often than I care to admit.

I’m sure there will come a time where Cupcake will be aware of her actions and what others think.  I’m also sure there will come a time where she will do things that will cause her extreme embarrassment.  I don’t need to help that along. But have no fear…I plan to savor those moments and keep them in my memory for when it is finally time to embarrass her!

This post is inspired by the Silicon Valley Moms Blog Book Club selection Much to Your Chagrin: A Memoir of Embarrassment by Suzanne Guillette.  A whole book about someone else’s embarrassing moments is a good read and can make you feel better about yourself!