I don’t like the idea of telling someone how they feel or how they should feel.
So when one of my children falls down but is clearly not physically injured, I don’t say, “You’re okay!” Instead I try to focus on the truths of the situation, such as, “You didn’t skin your knees, see?” or “That looked like a scary fall!” Then I ask, “Are you okay?” and let them tell me.
I also don’t ask my children to say “I’m sorry,” to each other. I know that might be a bit shocking, but insincere apologies don’t mean much anyway. Instead, I ask Bito and Cupcake (and someday BabyMuffin, I suppose) to state what they did was wrong and that they will try not to do it again. If they choose to say they are sorry, it’s up to them.
Today Bito screamed loudly, thus waking BabyMuffin from a sound sleep. Bito was obliged to go to BabyMuffin and say, “It was wrong for me to wake you up by screaming. I’ll try not to do it again.”
Interestingly, more often than not, I find the, “I’m sorry,” gets tacked on to their spiel. I hope the apologies are sincere and truthful.
When I was teaching preschool, we were taught (by the people who did our curriculum training) never to force a child to apologize. Then you’re only teaching them that it’s ok to say sorry when you don’t mean it, and you should wait until they’re old enough to have the empathy to understand being sorry and do it on their own.
Not that I always manage to practice what I preach, but I agree with you
I’ve found myself saying, “You’re OK,” when the Buggins has a little tumble that seems to startle her more than anything else. This has led to a conversation with my mom about when and whether it’s ever OK to say, “You’re OK,” with my mom noting that one of her pet peeves is when people say to kids, “You’re OK. That didn’t hurt.” How do you know it didn’t hurt? Obviously, unless it happened to you, you don’t. And so we’ve talked about whether there is a difference in saying the first part — you’re OK — without making a declaration about injury. And I’m still not sure. I suspect personality plays a role in whether this is an exercise in semantics or not.
My guess is that if the I’m sorry’s are being added on unprompted, they’re sincere. Kids aren’t going to say it if they don’t mean it – unless you force them to. I never quite looked at it that way when my teenager was younger, but I have to say I agree. Personally, even as an adult, I’d much rather get an “I shouldn’t have done that and will do my best not to do it again” than an insincere apology.
Interesting. This totally makes sense.
I love this approach.
I find my 2 1/2 year old coaching herself by saying “I’m Ok, I’m Ok” after she bumps herself or is upset about something…I have to think that I’ve somehow engrained that automatic response in her by my early attempts at ‘comforting’ (ie: telling her she is OK).
New to your blog, but i’ll be back!