My friend @twinmama posted this the other day, and I about fell out of my chair laughing at her misery. I’m sorry Phenny…but it’s so phunny and I needed a laugh. xoxo
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http://www.flickr.com/photos/twon/3168579581/
2 a.m.: Kiddo woke up the house with middle-of-the-night puking (red velvet cake vomit). Other Kiddo said he couldn’t sleep in a room with vomit (even cleaned up) so he slept in our bed while Kiddo moved to the daybed in the playroom.
2-7 a.m. Other Kiddo wiggled the whole time, making sleep impossible.
7:30 a.m. Kiddo announces he still feels like he has to throw up. Fine, you don’t have to go to school but I have a dentist appointment so what to do? Daddy says bring him to his office.
8:25. As I tell Other Kiddo to put on his shoes (for the sixth time this morning), he announces he would first like to quick make Nutella toast. “ok,” I say, distracted by trying to email Kiddo’s teacher, “but we’d better not miss the bus.”
8:33. Other Kiddo and I go to the bus stop, hoping today is not a day the bus is early.
8:49. It is obvious the bus was early and we missed it. We walk home, get Kiddo to put on his shoes, and drive Other Kiddo to school.
9:05. Back home, I say “we have to leave for Daddy’s office in 25 minutes!” then rush upstairs to quick run the steam-cleaner on the red velvet vomit stain.
9:20. Finally determine the steam cleaner is not broken, just won’t run if some lid isn’t properly closed. Close it thusly, steam-clean carpet, and, it is resolute. Not going anywhere. On oatmeal-colored carpet.
9:27. Oh hell! Forgot to do my hair and makeup! Settle for combing hair and putting on lipstick. Am still late leaving the house.
9:45 get Kiddo to Homer’s office, run him inside with waterbottle and fully-charged iPod.
10:01 check in at dentist’s for 10 am appointment. Sit in super-crowded waiting room watching Father of the Bride 2 on the big screen TV (usually it’s Finding Nemo, but the desk staff must have complained after a year of Nemo).
10:20 finally get called back.
10:40 finally start the fillings…and nitrous (yay!)
10:45 nope, turns out they didn’t start the fillings, just the novocaine, so we have to wait for me to be numb.
11 a.m. Numb, fillings begin.
11:09 dentist loses patience with my nitrous mask, takes it off, and never gives it back. Waaaaaa!!! The fun completely stops and time stands still.
12:40 (seriously!!!) Homer texts me to ask what’s going on. The dentist finally finishes and lets me leave, you know, so he can have lunch.
1 p.m. In the car en route to pick up Kiddo, the empty gas tank light comes on. Also, my nose feels tickly but I figure that is the novocaine wearing off.
1:07. Get Kiddo, go to gas station, spend an obscene amount on a tank of gas considering I drive a Toyota Highlander and not an 18-wheeler, and sneeze several times in a row. Uh-oh.
1:20. Finally home, ask Kiddo what he would like for lunch, who replies “oh, Daddy took me to the Chinese buffet.” the kid who puked 12 hours ago just ate a bunch of sushi. Awesome. Me and my numb lip have some applesauce, but spill half on the table because of, you guessed it, the numb lip. Also, I continue to sneeze.
1:25. Kiddo announces he is going to do his homework. I sit with him, quasi-helping but really just slowly realizing these sneezes are ominous.
2 p.m. Kiddo finishes homework and wants to play on the computer; I’ve begun sneezing constantly now and feeling dizzy, so I let him. I do first try to get at the red velvet vomit stain with an Oxyclean paste kind of thing, but that fucker will not budge.
3 pm. Kiddo loses interest in the computer and turns on the TV. I fall asleep next to him on the couch, waking up every few minutes to sneeze.
4:30. Kiddo and I find shoes and go down to the bus stop to wait for Other Kiddo. The cold air feels good and I do not sneeze the entire time we’re outside, giving me hope that maybe I’m not sick!
4:35. Other Kiddo’ bus arrives, we walk home, and I immediately resume sneezing. The boys go out to play basketball in the driveway while I kind of stand around wishing I could go to bed. And sneezing.
5 pm. Other Kiddo does his homework while Kiddo has the nerve to ask for a slice of red velvet cake.
5:30. Homework is done. The boys wrestle over the computer while I sneeze and moan pitifully.
6 Homer gets home, takes one look at me, and suggests we order pizza for dinner. I love you, Papa John’s Ordering iPad app. Oh, and Homer, love you, too.
6:40. Pizza’s here!!! The jackals eat but demand I refrain from breathing near or touching them.
7 the boys take turns having showers while Homer builds a fire in the fireplace & puts on the Ole Miss-Mississippi State game. I can’t let a nice fire go to waste, so I lie on the couch sneezing.
8 we send the boys to bed.
8:03 the boys come begging for me to read to them like usual. I say I feel too sick and don’t want to get them sick, they say oh you could just stand by the door and read. Hmph. Instead I continue to sneeze through the whole State game, then Homer puts on 30 Rock (an hour-long ep!! Wheeee!!!) and the fire dies. I check email and new employer needs a headshot of me for work badge immediately if not sooner, which is awesome considering my nose is red & raw from all this sneezing. I am Scarlett O’Hara and will think about it tomorrow.
10ish we say we are both tired and start to make our way to bed. But first, I think, I’ll quickly post on here. And because i dont have an iPad keyboard (first world problem) it has taken a heluva long time to write and now I’m going to have some Nyquil and get some damn sleep. Good night, y’all!
